SHE: Today I was thinking that I am not a loving woman... That is safe, but sad.
HE: No? You're not?
SHE: Mkm, not. Mother yes, woman not.
HE: Explain.
SHE: Don't experience the trill, the warmth, the butterflies in stomach :) and I miss this. It seems one and same if I'll be with someone or not.
HE: Well. That is a question of circumstances. Not of "you", I suspect.
SHE: Yes, probably you are right :) Yet - this is sad :)
HE: It will happen.
SHE: :) Thank you :D
HE: I'm serious.
SHE: Then - so what - I'll get hurt in the end :D See, it is...difficult. One side of me wants it, other - despise it. I am too scared, I guess.
HE: This, sorry to say it, is not unique to you, SHE.
SHE: I know.
HE: This is human. I am in the very same boat.
SHE: Well... Yeah. Good to be with someone in the loneliness.
HE: You know what the good thing is? I believed also that I was not loving. I mean - I really believed that. After all these years. But that brief relationship showed me I was WRONG. Dead wrong. So, we can be wrong.
SHE: Yeah, hopefully.
HE: We can be loving, we just need the proper conditions.
SHE: The point is that I am not sure if I want it. I miss it, but I don't know if I want it. Its just controversial.
HE: I understand. I feel the same. Mhm. It is scary. Love is a risk. It is safer to not love. Safer to be "okay"
SHE: But not full, right?
HE: No. Not full. And you know what?
SHE: So - is it necessary? At all? What?
HE: In the heart there is no "half full". There is either full or empty.
SHE: Agreed.
HE: We can tell ourselves we are "okay", but that is like admitting we know we are empty.
SHE: SAAADDDDD. But true. As Metallica sing ;)
HE: But it can change in a blink.
SHE: That is the most beautiful part as well as the scariest part :)
HE: Da. You never know when, or with who you fall in love. Yes, scary but its all we have.
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HE: I was thinking a lot today about what you brought up about the lack of real love.
SHE: Hm...yes. And?
HE: That is hard to accept. That emptiness. It is not a good feeling.
SHE: True... True...
HE: Not BAD. But just not good.
SHE: As well as the unshared love, as well as the rotten love,
HE: Mhm
SHE: As well as hundreds „types” of false love.
HE: For sure. Yeah. Lots.
SHE: So... I suppose the idea of love barely happens - so clean, so strong and so real. And if it does its not for long.
HE: Well. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But to me, I don't like its absence. And it has been absent in me for too long. Years and years.
SHE: I suspect I felt those feeling only in my first love. From then on... it was only pain. Is that first counts? Teenage. Innocent. Optimistic... I don't know. I only know I don't believe in love anymore - this is sccaarrryyyyyyyyyy.
HE: Thinking about what you said just reminds me of that. Depressing :-/ Honestly? I don't think so. I don't think it counts. Yes, you've said this so many times. I've heard it from you often. Hug. So what do you believe in, SHE?
SHE: What I believe in? Hm... Not sure anymore :) Thats the drama. Keep smiling. Keep being strong, keep enjoying life. But to live for my kids only, whcih I really love... mmm not my image of happiness.
HE: Yeah. That is a different love.
...........................................
SHE:You kow what. Recently my brain is busy with the exictence and afterlife. Trying to fix and calm down the things in my head.
HE: And? Lots going on in your head, huh?
SHE: I don't know... It is easier to believe in afterlife, then the fear from death stops bothering you. Then - well... if you live such life isn't it better just to finish with it? Then - noooooo, life is GREAT! Life is a gift! Once given, must become fulfilled. Then – these are fulfilled nonsenses. Then - I am not affraid. Then - I AM TERRIFIEEDDD. I am alone. Then - I feel soooo good.
HE: Mhm.
SHE: A huge mess.
HE: This is the nature of thoughts. Scattered. Like the surface of the sea.
SHE: You are great with comparisons!
HE: They are just dreams of a different kind, I believe.
SHE: Why different. It is all here. Now. With us. Part of us.
HE: Because we believe in them.They are different because we call them real. But not really more than dreams. If we were the Buddha in our dream? What would we realize if we became enlightened in our dream? What would be our discovery in our dream? I wonder what you think the Buddha would realize as dream enlightenment.
SHE: :D Freak :D I am simple human.
HE: Seriously. I believe that the Buddha's enlightenment in a dream would be to realize that everything he experienced was a dream and that there was such as thing as being awake. So. What would the real Buddha realize? What of the nature of "reality?" That all we see as reality is a dream, unreal, and that there is a different thing which is being awake.
SHE: Nooo... this could happens to Buddha. Everything is meta more or less. Better - more than less. Chemistry. Electricity. Energy.
HE: No. That is no more real than anything else.
SHE: But how you could be sure? HOW! It is easy to believe. It is comfortable. Dream. You live in dream, oh, that is sooo nice. And if not?
HE: In the dream, I experienced the energy of the car backing up as real, but it was not real. In this reality, I experience the energy of my car backing up as real. Why do I believe it is real?
SHE: BECAUSE you already have this experience. Ever dreamed of something never happened?
HE: How would I know? I would have no capacity to know it.
SHE: Exactly. Could not be sure what the hell is this.
HE: Cannot be sure it "is". It is not proved "real". And it is not permanent. One day, I will simply disappear. Or all of this "reality" will simply disappear. Just as surely as every dream and evrrything in every dream will simply disappear. So what is the difference?
SHE: Fact. How do you feel about this - thats the question. Because this is inevitable.
HE: But this is my point.
SHE: Sorry, this does not make me feel better. Dream or not, reality or not.
HE: If the dream Buddha truly comes to understand the nature of his situation. Then he will realize there is someting called "awake". Which the dream does not tell him exists.
SHE: Which I could never be enlighten with. Is that what you are saying?
HE: Another side, so to speak. I think it simply is. Buddha isn't special. Isn't sacred. Has no value. Dream is dream. Reality is dream.
SHE: Wait, wait, wait. He is not like us. He is DIFFERENT. This exactly makes him special. Like Vanga, like the other people, who feel the universe's vibrations in an unique way. We can not. We are LOCKED.
HE: Yep.
SHE: WHY???
HE: Buddha taught that every single creature is the buddha. Same. Not different. We all have the same nature. All exist in the same way. Conceptually locked.
SHE: Like cells.But to feel the resonance it is not common sense. I want to be unlocked.
HE: Common sense is the lock.
SHE: Let say tonight I'll have a dream??
HE: Enjoy it or don't. But realize it is a dream.
SHE: HE!
HE: Hahahahah.
SHE: What if this that I talk with you is a dream too?
HE: Why you think its not?
SHE: And the fact that you were next to me in the party last night is a real?
HE: In ten - twenty - sixty years you will awake.
SHE: Sooo smart!
HE: And this will have no more relevance than last nights dream. Poof. Like smoke into air. Like melting ice into warm water. Gone.
SHE: The question stays.
HE: And will stay.
SHE: Is that what counts?? Too pity.
HE: But is essentially irrelevant to our condition
SHE: Again – pity. What then matters? Whats the sense?
HE: Do you pity dreams for being dreams?
SHE: No. It just happens if so, but WHYYYY.
HE: There really is no sense. No why.
SHE: But I want to know.
HE: This is just the play of consciousness. Like dream are the play of the subconsciousness.
SHE: Do I feel unhappy because I don't know? On the other hand - I am not sure if I'd like to know what IT IS. Somethimes is better just to hope.
HE: How different is this side than the dream AS you experience it?
SHE: Not much.
HE: So, how different will the next side be from this?
SHE: But everything is connected with my experience.
HE: Mhm. Naturally. How you know that what you experience now is not likewise connected with your experience on another level?
SHE: Is there another level, HE!
HE: Just like dream experience is connected to experience on this level.
SHE: Oh, perfect! Good. Natural. Logic. But is the natural and the logic counts? We are in a shell, we are sooooooooo little and unimportant. We could be tools.We could be just bugs. We could be nothing. We could be something.
HE: Maybe its just all the same thing, SHE. One big dream. We drift in it. Higher, lower. Like a gull. Not flying. Just floating on invisible air. Up down. Side side. Back forth. But always in the same air. Never NOT in the air. We are nothing. Smoke, SHE. And yet. We also exist.
SHE: Smoke is something - in the exact place it counts.
HE: Smoke exists as smoke for a little while. And then disappears as smoke. But what it was always exists. And always leaves to enter something else. And always there is the larger existence.
SHE: See, the smoke does not cry and suffer from the lack of love. You do.
HE: I see it as entirely consistent. You know this?
SHE: I wish to make us more important than you, obviously.
HE: You know the experience of the smoke?
SHE: Yes, I spoke with one.
HE: Yes, well, that is part of the lock.
SHE: Chains. Lock. Borders. Walls...
HE: The conceptual lock begins with the premise that we are important, that our lives have meaning, and that we can matter. When we need to believe these things we begin a very human process called Rationalization.
(the process of constructing a logical justification for a decision that was originally arrived at through a different mental process)??????
Reality IS consistent in a sense, but it doesn't support our belief that we are somehow of special inherent value.
SHE: reality is a point of view
HE: Subjective reality is a point of view. Objective reality simply is.
SHE: Who says it. Ask the granny from the village. She only knows she will die.
HE: Well, this is different than talking about how sexy European women are.
SHE: No sense in the experience
HE: Dream like. Poof. It's all very real TO us.But that doesn't make it more than a dream. Actors in our own dreams.
SHE: YES. Exactly. To US. WHO WE ARE? WHAT we are? Dream is dream, but even the dream is more than you.
HE: Dreams we do not realize we are dreaming. Dreamt by dreamers we do not know we are.
SHE: If they do? And simply does not care? Could be some force. A guideline. Energy. Magnetism. Experience. Fight. Hug.
HE: Do you believe that every cell in your body has life?
SHE: Of course. And every one knows what is doing.
HE: What happens if one cell "dies".
SHE: Depends. Could be changed with another. Could make others die.
HE: So what if each of those cells was its own dream. Felt it was reality itself.
SHE: IF!!!
HE: And what if the body built from those cells believed itself to be a body, when in fact it was simply a cell in a much larger body.
HE: If?
SHE: Mhm. If. Definatelly we are part of something larger. Why we don't know it?
HE: Meaningless, SHE. That's why.
SHE: Thank you. Feeling much better now :P
HE: What is the size of the universe?
SHE: Well. I would ask what is on its end.
HE: And I would say that the size of the universe is dependent. Not fixed. Dependent of the imagination of those whose dream makes them wish to measure the universe. I believe the more we measure the universe the more it will grow. Because it is an illusion of consciousness. Not a solid thing in reality. And knowing about it is irrelevant. Better I should understand which mushrooms are safe to eat.
SHE: Mmmmm..that is what human would think, but is that what really is?
HE: We are humans. I want to live. I want to exist. If this is a dream, I cling to it but to be realistic, this is all meaningless. I am meaningless and this reality has no permanence.
SHE: I feel it not sure if I know it.
HE: Because it's true
SHE: True? Sure? How could you be.What is on the end of the universe? Is that universe a neil of a creature?
HE: This existence will disappear. Leaving nothing behind.
SHE: Mmmm, no souls? :) Meaningless, scary, sad... Words, but important for the human. For me.
HE: Or liberating.
SHE: Liberating? From the shell? But you know the emotions in this shell.
HE: Mhm. I'm simply suggesting that what doesn't matter, what cannot be changed, can free us to live. If I came to your country and I saw you and, hypothetically I wanted to kiss you - should I kiss you? Or - should I say to myself - No, don't kiss her, because in four days you will disappear and that will feel confusing, and nothing real will develop and there will be sadness and blah blah. If I realize, in four days this disappears then that can be sad or liberating. I can view it as a lack of possibilities, or I can view it as the freedom to act. As I wish. Because the outcome is predetermined. Poof. Life is like that. If we become to concerned with meaning and outcome we become imprisoned and do not kiss girls :P :D Hypothetically of course.
SHE: First is your unsatisfied mind, second your rude imperfect you but both are your sides and they fight.
HE: Hahahahah we all have these sides.
SHE: Eexactllyyyy. :) WHY??
HE: Doesn't matter. Just is. We want to be important. We want to have permanence.
SHE: But we know we are not.
HE: Mhm. And you know what?
SHE: Time for dreams? Dream in dream? Disney dream? Budha dream?
HE: Dream in a dream in the "ultimate" sense of reality.
SHE: Hahahahaa
HE: Paradox which can't be resolved in the "limited" sense of reality.
SHE: Good you put it in quotes ;) Limited is our mind not the reality
HE: The mind is a filter.
SHE: Mind is what makes us unhappy
HE: And happy. Paradox.
SHE: It is important for the individ thats all. We are alone, lonely or not. Mind is a box. Some want to see the other side. Limited, but why?
HE: Because we believe that we are separate. But we are not separate. Tell me, put a human in a pool of water. What makes the human and the water separate? Simple physical density. What makes ice and water separate? Density. These are simply perceived differenceses. There is no separation.
SHE: You can influence!!!
HE: So can the water.
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SHE: I had a dream. I was dreaming I dream a dream and in this dream I dream I am dreaming. Three me. Identical. And every next “me” did not fide away. Not at all. Every “SHE” was as clear and “real” as the previous. So, in my dream I was thinking I have to share this with you.
HE: Task accomplished :)
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